The healthcare bill passed by Congress and signed by Obama has continued to be a source of surprises for most people, as sections dealing with everything from death panels to civilian military forces have been found. In a stunning development, another previously undiscovered section, entitled “Section 6660: Ban on Consumption of Food and Food-like substances,” was located just this morning.
This addition to the bill essentially makes it illegal to consume any sort of food, a ground-breaking provision that experts say was likely inserted into the bill at the 11th hour by Democratic insiders.
Like most provisions in the bill, this one also does not take full effect for many years. The first section will start immediately, which includes a tax on all foods. A 10% tax starts this year, moves to 25% next year and finally 75% by 2014. The actual banning on food will take effect in 2015.
The bill requires all residents in the country to abide by it, but does include an exemption for White House residents, staff and their families.
At a press conference early Thursday, press secretary Robert Gibbs attempted to explain the provision, but after making four analogies related to bears and repeatedly giggling at a drawing of a rabbit he had taped to his podium, Obama himself came out to explain to bill.
“Let me be clear: Americans wanted change,” he said, “What bigger change can we have than this? With the banning of food, most of our obesity and healthcare concerns will likely vanish, easing the burden on middle-class families whose healthcare costs have skyrocketed due to the evil and greedy insurance companies.”
“Just last week,” Obama continued, “I met a man named Jules, living in L.A, who said, ‘Barack, I wish it was illegal for me to eat all these tasty burgers. I wish someone would stop me.’ Well, America, I am here and I am stopping you. This banning of food will signal an end to the age of American food arrogance.”
When questioned on the exemption that allowed the White House to continue eating food, Obama dismissed the claims of tyranny. “Let me be clear,” he said. “We have brought fundamental change to America. But no one can expect me to do it on an empty stomach.”
Obama also cited Michelle Obama as a reason for the White House exemption, as he said he was “deathly afraid” of what she would do to him if she wasn’t allowed to have her arugula.
“Besides,” Obama added, “One of my main adversaries, the so-called ‘tea parties,’ utilize food in their name. If we ban tea, that should be the end of them, right?”
While most reporters continued to nod in agreement, one correspondent from Fox News did ask how this provision could possibly benefit America, since without food or water “we’d all die.”
Obama glowered at the reporter for several moments, before angrily swirling his cape behind him and proclaiming that people should stop listening to “Republican fear tactics.”
At least 40,000 lawsuits have already been filed by everyone from ordinary citizens to food manufacturing companies, and experts predict nearly any suit or Constitutional challenge to the bill will likely succeed given the gross destruction of freedom it promotes.
Obama was undaunted by such threats, however, repeatedly mumbling “I…AM…America” while carefully examining the jeweled scepter he began carrying with him earlier this week.
At least one Democrat, however, seems to not be on board with this bill. Sources reported that independent film maker and left-wing venom-spitter Michael Moore, upon hearing of the provision, renounced his membership in the Democratic Party and changed his voter registration to “non-partisan.”
Unconfirmed reports place Moore in Mexico City, where he was seen hording double cheeseburgers in a downtown apartment.
